Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
