matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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