She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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