During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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