I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
