the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You were trust falling into bushes
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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