I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
