Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
