I smell stomach acid.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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