I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
