Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
