bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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