I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
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he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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