so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
