Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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