this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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