i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
this hospital has no fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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