I checked into jail on foursquare
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
