STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
