I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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