I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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