My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
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Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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