He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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