apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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