Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
