john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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