watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
