1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
