the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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