Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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