i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
