I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
