just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
