my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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