We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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