i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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