As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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