Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
