I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
how does that bad decision feel?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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