I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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