this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
