but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize