Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He? As in you personified your dick?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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