I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
