I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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