upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
