Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Pants are for mortals
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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