In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
