you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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