she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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