glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
