I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
