Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
