Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
