: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
